oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
