I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
