My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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