If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
