I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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