i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
