my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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