can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
