Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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