remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My vagina is very pro this idea
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