If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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