We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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