please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
