I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
