So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize