i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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