I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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