Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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