So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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