just tell him i said nine months
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
