Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
These tits shall not be calmed
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
