Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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