PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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