Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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