i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
