my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
