i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
