i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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