she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i drank out of a bidet.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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