god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
