My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
