would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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