ya dads aren't the best wingmen
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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