the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
