college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
