I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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