Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
