She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
