ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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