She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
