I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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