yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
