Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
