Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
