ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
