i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
