At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
