Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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