Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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