It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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