if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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