shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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