Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Sext me about skeletons
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize