I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
