I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
