I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
