I feel like I'm in dance class right now
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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