grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Even my vagina gasped.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize