cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
