im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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