so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
