Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
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