his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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