I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
