I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
